Author: Brett Branchson

Despite Popular Belief, Ben From “Ben Drowned” Did Not Actually Drown

“You’ve encountered a particularly unfortunate destiny, haven’t you?” | Of all the Legend of Zelda games, Majora’s Mask has to be the darkest and creepiest of them all. Featuring an ill-fated Termina facing impending doom…

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What if Mushrooms Don’t Make Mario Bigger, But the Surrounding World Smaller?

Mario Eats Mushrooms

“Trust me, I’ve done ‘shrooms before” | In the Mushroom Kingdom, toadstools are king. Many inhabitants are genetically modified mushrooms capable of walking, talking, and even sassing Luigi.

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Why Link’s Name Isn’t in the Titles of Most of His Own Games

Angry Link

“No! No! No! Just call it ‘Legend of ZELDA’. That oughta piss ’em off!” | Hyrule, circa. 1985 – Nintendo is no stranger to pissing people off. Nintendo has, at least since the 80’s, consisted wholly of a sadistic group of small angry hobbits trapped in Japanese bodies, evident by such things as the Water Temple…

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FBI Traces Swatting Origins Back to CIA

“If I swat someone while I’m flying, does that make me a ‘fly swatter’?” | Washington, D.C. – Swatting. It’s the kind of thing you do after you’ve had a few too many Four Lokos, and you just can’t help but slip on the ol’ tube sock as you…

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Why Cuccos Aren’t Called “Chickens” In The Legend of Zelda

Paula Dean With Link's Head Rides A KFC Double Down sandwich as a Cucco flies through the air

“Why the cluck aren’t they called chickens?!” | Kyoto, Japan – The Legend of Zelda – a series that makes no sense. The land of Hyrule is constantly grief-stricken by the same basic evil force every game, a small boy is the land’s only hope, and there’s 3 separate timelines, because Nintendo apparently doesn’t understand…

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Billy Mitchell Becomes Donkey Kong Cabinet After Spending 2 Consecutive Weeks Trying to Reclaim World Record

Donkey Kong Cabinet Thumbnail

“…but competitive gaming, when you wanna attach your name to a world-record, when you want your name written into history, you have to pay the price!” | Ottumwa, Iowa – Billy Mitchell is a world-renowned arcade gamer…

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