“git gud cucks”
Silicon Valley – Winning isn’t everything for a lot of people. Some of us might scream and shout at our TVs and computers when we are homing in on victory, only to be shot dead seconds before clenching victory. Some might even throw their controllers and rage quit, but, that’s typically the extent of it.
Then again, most of us raging gamers are broke, after paying our monthly bills, indulging in our disgusting habits, and possibly socking a little money away for retirement (oh, who am I kidding, you’re just using *that* money to buy more games).
Unsurprisingly, mixing a bad temper with a stockpile of limitless gold can cause some pretty devastating consequences. When he’s not making secret backdoor deals with the Illuminati shadow-puppet government, thinking of new ways to spy on us in our undies with video game consoles, or swimming in gold-lined pools full of cash and ex-MS employee tears, he’s casually gunning down some n00bs in whichever Halo is still popular these days.
In a sense, he’s just like you and I. He likes to play games, and he likes to win. Winning feels good. Who doesn’t like to win?
However, with the rise of Android-based systems, and ultimately the slow decline of the Windows operating system, lately Mr. Gates has been a bit… moody. As such, he’s taken to his faithful Xbox, in attempts to take a bit of a “creative break” from work, focusing more on fun, in order to breathe some life into the once-popular operating system.
His poor disposition due to the recent stresses of losing market share has thusly affected his in-game performance. After playing a few rousing matches online with the plebs of the world, he found himself on the receiving end of a teabag sandwich late last week. This greatly angered him.
“I’m Bill motherf*kin Gates! My gamertag is ‘IMTHEREALBILLGATES’, FFS!”, Gates recently recalls in an exclusive interview with MicroSoft Monthly.
“Teabagging among the community is a cancer-turned-HIV epidemic that should not be tolerated! Even more-so when members of the community clearly know that they’re teabagging BILL GATES! Would you peasants teabag your king in the days of castles and knights? No! Would the Greeks teabag Zeus!? Absolutely the fuck not!”
“They just wouldn’t take me seriously. I transcended beyond the typical obscenity-fueled hate-mongering and violent rage-quitting practices of the traditional angry gamer online. I entered a Zen Buddhism-like state, and calmly tried to reason with them, while simultaneously harboring deeper resentment for the dynamic teabagging duo as they continued to squat over my avatar’s lifeless corpse. I carefully detailed everything that I was planning to do to them, ultimately ending with sending a small army to invade and destroy their home town, so as to not give them the opportunity to find refuge when the attack started…
… and they just kept teabagging me.”, Gates exasperatedly stated.
After enduring the wretched treatment for an additional 15 minutes, Gates could no longer contain himself, and unleashed hell on the red and green teabagging brothers. First he took the two accounts – ‘LetsAGo1981‘ and ‘BingoOhhohoho#1‘ – responsible for the fiasco off of Xbox Live permanently, banning not only the accounts, but the whole country’s IP block.
He then promptly (read: the next day) bought every single ISP in the country, and enforced an Internet crackdown so extreme, it made Kim Jong-un break out the ol’ IBM to jot down a few notes on the crushing oppression in his MS Wordpad diary.
“I told those two not to fuck with me. They later tried to claim innocence, and stated they were just taking out their real-world frustration on strangers for therapeutic reasons. They also claimed they weren’t from Croatia, but rather, Italy. However, I know Italians, and let me tell you, they ain’t about that teabagging life”, Gates proceeded.
Bill Gates has, indeed, also confirmed that he did send a small private army to invade and destroy the small town the brothers were living in at the time of the incident. However, at this time, it remains unclear whether his efforts have achieved the desired results, as news now travels out of Croatia by Pony Express.
If you’re planning on vacationing in the area, and see an abnormally large crater near a road in an otherwise beautifully mountainous country, please do be a love and report it to us when you make it to your real destination (which is, of course, Italy).