“As a non-binary gender fluid wolf-trapped-in-a-human pan-sexual mocha frappuccino, I’m DEEPLY offended by this”
Somewhere between 1988 and 1991 (depending on the region of the world you live in) Super Mario Bros. 3 was released to critical acclaim; a staple in the Mario franchise, and a game you and your siblings likely fought over for many months (and if not, I’m so sorry).
Fast-forward roughly 15 years, the rising prominence of broadband Internet around the world, and possibly just a few drugs later, and we’re greeted by fans of the series creating wild theories about Mario secretly being a furry (or more disturbingly: Miyamoto vicariously living out furry fantasies through Mario).
It makes sense, really. Super Mario Bros. 3 featured a couple suits – the Tanooki Suit, and the Frog Suit – that magically grant Mario new powers. A couple other power-ups endowed Mario with animal-like qualities, and various other animal-like abilities were continually added throughout the series. Someone was bound to make the connection, that somehow Mario has been a furry all along.
But, what if the rabbit-hole goes deeper than that?
I’ve noticed an eerily disturbing trend over the last decade or so featuring the increasing usage of animal-inspired abilities in Mario games. Particularly, over the last decade, we’ve seen an increase in both the number of gender/sexuality flavors humans now come in, and the number of animal-based superpowers in Mario games.
Just as Mario’s main power-ups originally only came in vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry (power-up mushrooms, fire flowers, and super stars), people only had 2 gender choices and 3 sexuality choices for what seemed like an eternity.
Then, just as quickly as Super Mario Bros. 3 hit store shelves, the Neapolitan party collapsed in the wake of the coming Baskin-Robbins-esque fiesta of new power-ups, and 20 or so years later, gender and sexuality followed (Tanooki) suit.
Beginning with SMB3, you’re no longer constricted to simply blasting your foes with fireballs or barreling through a level with short-term invincibility. Likewise, you no longer have to conform to the confines of your birth-assigned gender, and if you feeling like plugging your butt with a spatula while you fornicate a loaf of bread, well, we’ve got news for you: you no longer have to feel like a freak – there’s a sexual-preference label for that.
But how can we be sure that Nintendo is the cause of this, and not something like, say, mental illness or political correctness careening wildly out of control?
Nintendo has a sinister history of messing with our minds, and mass-market appeal. It thrust itself into homes of millions of people worldwide, planting the seeds of change, starting with the NES/Famicom. Each generation, those seeds grow bigger, and with perpetuated references and additions to the Super Mario: Furry Collection™, it’s bound to have gotten a few suckers on the line (a few million, to be precise).
Thanks Nintendo! If it wasn’t for your gender-bending games comprising many a Millenial/Gen Z’s youth (which are clearly ahead of their time), I don’t know if I’d be able to continue through life without knowing my driver’s license states that I’m a 32-year-old ‘Attack Helicopter’.
Anyone know, uhhh, which bathroom I’m supposed to use?