Link Discovers His Pullout Game Isn’t As Strong As It Used To Be

“Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.”


Hyrule – Quite a bit of time has passed since 1998, when Nintendo dropped the hot Ocarina of Time potato in our laps. So much time, in fact, that no matter which prong of the fork in the Zelda timeline you subscribe to, Link has become a bonafide adult (without time travel). Yes, he’s now living in the real world, where he has a job, kids, and a monthly mortgage payment.

Fork in Zelda Timeline
“Goddammit, not this shit again!”

Unfortunately for our hero, a contemporary trip down memory lane has led Link to a serious bout of depression.

Link, revisiting the land of his youth, met up with old friends, settled old scores, and finally returned all those masks he stole from the not-so-Happy Mask Salesman when he was a wee lad. In his re-adventures of the land of old, he made a pit stop by the Temple of Time. As he walked through the temple, he spent a considerable amount of time really observing and appreciating the architectural design of the temple, that he hardly noticed as a kid.

Approaching the sealed door, he placed the spiritual stones in their proper places, and proceeded to the Pedestal of Time where his old comrade stand propped. He knew that the time travel he experienced as a child was no longer possible, but for old times’ sake, he wrapped his hands around the handle of the Master Sword, and pulled up.

…only to find the sword wouldn’t budge. Pulling harder, his hands slipped from the handle, and dotted him square between the eyes. With a loud “HYAT!”, Zelda came running to his aid.

“He started trying all sorts of positions and angles; missionary, upside-down, from the front and back, but the sword wasn’t moving” Zelda stated.

“Time has taken its toll on Link, just as it has with us all. When I was younger, I was able to twist and contort into so many positions, the Wii Fitness Trainer would’ve blushed. But after having kids, I didn’t have time for yoga, and age has caused me to stiffen up considerably – quite the opposite could be said about Link, however”.

Old Link Errrrrrr
“Well excuuuuussse me, princess!”

Link was reportedly last seen at the Milk Bar in East Clock Town, Termina.

Please, don’t overdo it on the Chateau Romani, Link!

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