“Milk ’em, boys!”
Ontario, Canada – The dust from a major court battle recently settled, after a timestamp on a shipment of milk was mistaken for officially-sanctioned “Nintendo milk”, initially prompting the video game company into the (legal) attack position until the end of its next turn.
London Dairy Farm, a wholesome company responsible for harvesting a metric fucktonne of cow titty juice, was savagely dragged into court when a shipment of milk in early March, displayed a timestamp that ominously read like a cryptic message.
Nintendo, no stranger to cryptic messages, immediately caught on to the company’s seemingly unwitting shenanigans when images began surfacing on the Internet of bottles of milk featuring the “MAR10” print. While the joke has had a long-running stance in the annals of the Internet’s history, Nintendo feared in the wake of their Super Mario Cereal Amiibo disaster, that consumers would become confused and/or associate the milk with the cereal as a sort of “package deal”.
Nintendo was right.
People put the two together, and while there is no evidence of any actual confusion, Nintendo claimed there were billions of dollars in potential damages resulting from the misprint. It stated that the negative connotations that come from potential customer confusion can disturb the delicate balance between a happy fanbase, and a pissed off one.
Nintendo has, in recent years, spent more time trying to win back fans with more functional gimmicks, best-selling games, and a thiccness venturing outside the realms of the company’s traditional conservative mannerisms. Yet, with underwhelming hardware launches on the retro scene, and the Great Mario Cereal Shortage of 2017, the company is teetering on edge, and must remain steadfast to ensure future success in customer relations.
London Dairy Farm, in its defense, stated that Nintendo’s argument did not hold ground, as it based its offense on assumptions and connections that aren’t there (something we here at Just Pretendo do quite well). More importantly, the crafty dairy lawyer, Jimeth O. ‘McDonald, countered Nintendo’s convoluted claims with an even more convoluted set of connections.
McDonald noted that in the popular franchise, ‘Legend of Zelda’, there is a particular ranch, or “farm”, prominently featured in a few games; its name: Lon Lon Ranch.
“Lon Lon” and London only feature a one letter difference. Lon Lon Ranch, which was originally portrayed as a producer of dairy products for the royal family in the Hyrule Castle, “fulfills a completely descriptive description of what it means to BE a dairy farm, just as London Dairy Farm is”.
“In short, the two are one in the same”, states McDonald, as a ravenous courtroom crowd behind him collectively loses its shit.
It was this show of creativity and integral lawyering that won over the hearts of the judges. The judges immediately dropped Nintendo’s suit, and granted London Dairy Farm its counter-suit, allowing London Dairy Farm to finally afford the investment necessary to move to London, England, and serve its milk to royalty, as Nintendo prophesied.
Butter luck next time, Nintendo.