“If that’s so, explain why my girlfriend likes playing video games!?”
Arlington, Virginia – The Public Broadcasting Service, PBS, finds that the “female gamer” demographic, is nothing more than a clever government hoax started to soothe the burning loins of pizza-faced teenage desperatos across the globe.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident”, starts Gabriel Supoklasky, head of the research team that has spearheaded the campaign for ‘the truth about “female gamers”‘. He continues, “the female gamer demographic is a clever government ploy instituted somewhere between 1980 and 1999, as a precautionary measure in the event that video games became a part of mainstream society.”
Between 1980 and 1999, the video game industry had grown exponentially, leading to an influx in pedantic intellectuals with an affinity for light that can only come from a TV or computer monitor. During this time, there was a great shift in societal norms occurring underneath everyone’s noses.
“We had noticed a sharp decline in the amount of teenage hook-ups and unplanned pregnancies, which directly correlated with a rise in console, game, and computer sales”, states Supoklasky.
“Then, as the data in our lab shows, the numbers evened themselves out, as we saw an increase in both hook-ups, and teenage parents – heavily evidenced by the eventual popularity of MTV’s ’16 and Pregnant’ – while sales of video games and computers continued to steadily increase.”
Supoklasky and company were afraid that their findings might seem a little biased, as the team is comprised of individuals fitting the stereotypical “lives in his mom’s basement” type of gamer…
… so the research team went to great lengths to uphold the scientific integrity of their findings by adding a random control.
“We ripped a few chapters straight out of National Geographic for our project”, Jonh Kirkswitz – Supoklasky’s closest assistant – stated. “Once we finished our elephant collage, we decided to take to the wild, observing women in their natural habitats.”
Supoklasky’s team assumed their positions, hiding in clothes racks and acting as mannequins in various settings women are exclusively found. Not only did they study the women – gathering information on their shopping habits, mannerisms, and bra sizes – but they also interviewed as many willing participants as they could find.
“We wanted to catch women while they were in their element, to avoid having our data skewed by such motives as ‘monetary compensation’ and ‘having something to do’, and we found the results fairly universal”, Supoklasky stated.
Of the approximately 163 women interviewed, Suposklasky’s team only found 2 women who expressed any interest in video games. However, after two of the team members pursued the women in a series of dates, the data Supoklasky and company initially gathered lined up with their later findings.
“The short-term implications for the team were great, but our results were even greater”, Supoklasky commented, when asked about the pitfalls of their latter experiment.
“The two guys who scored dates were eventually ridiculed into quitting after a couple weeks of non-stop homosexual jokes at their expense, when it was revealed that their dates were actually post-op transgender women. We’re still trying to settle those lawsuits”, Supoklasky maintains.
Supoklasky further noted:
“Another of the guys was hospitalized, after an incident with a woman who – carrying bear mace and a baseball bat in her purse – was frightened when he approached her from inside a yoga pants clothes rack.”
HOWEVER! We successfully harvested data from a totally random and oblivious sample of women, and found that our original findings held true. True, 100% female-born ‘female gamers’ simply do not exist.”
Of course, after submitting their data to the scientific community at large, the team came under fire for “shoddy practices” and “a complete misunderstanding of the basic mechanics of scientific experimentation and unbiased research”, at which point, Supoklasky outright denied any wrongdoing.
“The scientific community likes to play favorites, and it’s no wonder; they’re all government funded. They’re required to make people believe that climate change isn’t real, and that GMO’s are good for you. Of course, when a theory stands to point out government corruption, the scientists are going to come together and outcast any real independent research”, Supoklasky rebutted.
Supoklasky also surmised that – in the wake of skepticism from the general public, consisting at least partially of females – that “there’s a simple explanation for the whole thing”.
“Any ‘woman’ out there – who is not genderqueer, and claims to enjoy video games – is either a paid government spy, sent to help disorientate the masses, or a very well-disguised robot (often the case in younger women, typically referred to as “newer models”), meant to perpetuate the lie that has taken hold since the gaming industry started booming.”.
Do you think female gamers are a myth? If so, you’re probably right.