“Tree Hobbits, eh? Let me get you the number of a great pest control company to take care of that.”
Kakariko Village, Hyrule – It has recently come to light that a blood feud between the residents of Kakariko Village and the peaceful children of the Kokiri Forest arose sometime in 1999, after an insurgence of angry tourists made their way to Death Mountain in protest of the lack of woodland in the Kakariko area.
Following Link’s defeat of Ganon in the critically-acclaimed “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”, an increased sense of peace and security had befallen the land of Hyrule. It also left its citizens with a strange omniscience they wouldn’t otherwise be capable of attaining, likely as a side-effect of Link’s repeated time travel and fork in the “Zelda timeline”.
The inhabitants of the largely poor community of Kakariko came to learn that “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” was a huge success worldwide, and that people would flock to their quaint little village, if given the opportunity. They saw it as a ticket out of their impoverished state.
The residents worked feverishly to fortify their village with the appropriate accommodations for a tourist-heavy destination, and promptly spread the word about their renovations and hospitality. Within months, people flocked to Hyrule for nostalgic sight-seeing and assorted merriment.
Things looked great for Kakariko. Business was booming, wealth was amassed, and the village was finally able to build a large enough fence to keep Anju, the cuckoo cucco lady, from asking random travelers to fetch her lost cocks.
It wasn’t until one fateful day in the woods, near Kokiri Forest, when a small group of hippies trying to find a good place to “burn down”, that things would sour for the village of Impa.
The group, specifically looking for the Lost Woods, wanted to experience an Inception-style spiritual journey, getting lost in their own minds as they were effectively lost in the Lost Woods. As the group traveled further into the forest, they ran into the ever-small-yet-formidable Mido.
Mido, acting as the true forest guardian he claims to be, decided that such misuse of the sacred forest was forbidden, having dealt with ‘their kind’ in his days at Deku University.
Kakariko’s local gravekeeper – Dampé – kept accounts of the developing tensions between the two communities in a personal journal, which was later found after his untimely passing in the great war that ensued. He writes of the events that sparked the eventual war in Hyrule:
A small group of smelly long hairs came back to the village, asking about “Kakariko Forest”, citing a ‘sentient garden gnome’ they encountered while exploring the southwestern outskirts of Hyrule Field. They told the village residents that when they asked the gnome about Kokiri Forest and the Lost Woods, the gnome explained that ‘Kokiri’ was just a slang the locals in the village used to trick tourists into believing that there was no forest in Kakariko Village, to keep them out of the Lost Woods.
Of course, Kakariko residents knew this was untrue; they could only wish that their village contained a forest as lush and beautiful as Kokiri Forest. Dampé continues:
Mido sent the tourists away because he didn’t want their homes invaded by outsiders. A few of the village residents offered to build doors for the Kokiri Forest inhabitants’ homes, in case of tourism, but the children refused, stating they “don’t like ‘The Doors'”.
The hippies – a normally peaceful race – grew tired and impatient, as they had long since lost their feelgood, and were in desperate need of a “reconnect with Mother Nature”. However, no ordinary “reconnect” would do: they set their sights on, and needed to be in, the Lost Woods.
No matter how many times the village residents explained it, and showed them maps, in their minds, the hippies knew it was located somewhere in “Kakariko Forest”, because “inter-dimensional cognizant tree hobbits have been proven to be exponentially more trustworthy than humans”, as the riled up, washed out stoners put it.
Instead of chalking up the experience as a loss, enjoying the rest of their vacation, and spreading their displeasure at home to potential visitors, they instead stuck around, formed a commune in Dodongo Cavern, and held daily protests at the base of Death Mountain in order to pressure Kakariko Village to “share the forest” and “strike down the untruths told by a corrupt political regime”.
The protests attracted more visitors – mostly, more hippies, environmentalists, and government conspiracy theorists – as Dampé noted in a later journal entry.
Today, I overheard a conversation between a couple of tourists, one claiming that he wasn’t fully aware of what the protest was about, but that he instead, came for a rousing round of rabble-rousing. What a peach; those idiots don’t even know what they’re protesting about, yet here they are, tearing our town apart with their moronic belligerence. SMDH.
Meanwhile, a failed attempt at establishing diplomacy between Kakariko Village and Kokiri Village saw a close encounter for Impa, who was ambushed upon arrival.
Impa went to talk to Mido about the lies he told the tourists, and explain the severity of the situation in Kakariko. Mido turned away, smugly muttering something under his breath, and Impa was suddenly surrounded by Deku Baba. She ran from the forest, and behind her, a wall of Deku Baba appeared, gating the entrance to Kokiri Forest.
Tensions were high between the two communities, but it wasn’t until Anju – taking a page straight out of her chickens’ notebook – broke free from her pen, and wandered out of the village, that the conflict finally reached its tipping point.
Anju had wandered out to Hyrule Field, after her chickens pecked their way through a weak spot in the fence. When people noticed she was missing, a few residents went looking for her. They found her near the forest, and called for her return. Perhaps fearing she would be thrown back in the coop, she ran for the forest, seemingly unaware of the threat ahead. The Deku Baba… tore her to shreds.
Dampé was clearly shaken up by the ordeal, as the entry is followed by a bunch of crying emoji’s. He goes on to write:
Upon receiving the news of Anju’s untimely demise, the town went into a fervent uproar, brandishing torches and pitchforks. Kakariko fell silent for a moment, as Impa garnered the attention of the village folk, and she roared into a loudspeaker “Bongo Bongo! Sound the drums of war!”.
There was a momentary pause, followed by a rumbling from deep within the village’s well. Bongo Bongo arose, drums in hand, and began drumming rhythmically, as every able-bodied citizen in the area – armed to the teeth – marched to the music towards the forest.
The Great Hylian War, which led to the eventual flood of Hyrule, had just begun.